Sometimes, I Let Myself

Sometimes, I let myself be upset.

Not everyone will understand this notion. Some may condemn me for it. Some may attempt to reason me out of it. Some may spiritualize it.

 

Sometimes, I let myself be upset.
Sometimes, I lose my will.
Sometimes, I want to be alone.
Sometimes, I don’t want to talk.

 

Usually, I don’t want to talk because I don’t want to get upset.
I already am upset, but at least I don’t have to show it.

 

Sometimes, I don’t want to show that I’m upset because you don’t understand it.

You make it a lesson, a growing process, a testament to God and His power.
It already is, don’t you see? It already is and has been and will be all of these things.

 

Sometimes, I want to let myself be upset.
It’s not the same as being angry or mad, but it’s the opposite of being happy.
It’s because I’m not.

You talk of Joy and Peace and Grace and Love.

I know.
I too believe in Redemption.

You wonder to what end I let myself be upset.

I am a lover of quotes, of cliches, and of song lyrics.
I believe life is what you make it.
I believe life changes when our attitudes do.
I believe life is full of beauty.

At least I know it must be.

 

Sometimes, though, I don’t see it. No, I don’t always see it.

I go and I do and I think and I cope.
That’s what I do. And I’m okay with that.
That’s life.
For me, that’s life.

 

But sometimes, I let myself be upset.
Sometimes, I feel betrayed by life.
This is not the life I had in mind.

You say you know.
You say you can’t understand and you don’t know.
You say God has a plan.

I know.

You say you don’t have the authority to speak, but then you do.
You mean well.

I know.

 

But sometimes, I wish you would listen.
If I’m letting myself be upset, there’s likely a reason.
If I’m letting myself be upset, I’m trusting you to not deny me of it.

 

Sometimes, I let myself be upset.

 

Often, it’s the only way I can feel again.
All other emotions are too overwhelming.

 
 

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Comments
6 Responses to “Sometimes, I Let Myself”
  1. me too believe in the freedom of being upset anytime….

  2. raysikes says:

    Janie, first of all, you write quite nicely–there are stylistic and poetic pauses and repetitions that are pleasing to my ear. Second of all, cut yourself a little break. You are bearing up with considerable grace. Most people your age aren’t dealing with significant others who have cancer. As always, I’m your fan.

  3. Kayla says:

    Janie, this was beautifully written. I too, feel this way sometimes. Sometimes I just want to be upset, and I don’t want people to fix me, or tell me it’ll be okay. Thank you for writing and sharing this.

  4. Mrs. Lee Mitchell says:

    Janie, I recently read the Book of Job through several times. What I appreciated about it is that Job was very honest with God about his situation, what he thought about it, and how he thought he didn’t deserve it. And God listened, let him talk and then helped Job see God’s perspective. It was very freeing for me to understand that. And you do write beautifully:) Thanks for sharing. ~ Mrs. Mitchell

  5. Lisa says:

    Thank you for writing this. Being upset is no sin. If it was, the Psalmists would’ve been in trouble.

    BTW, the bottle that holds his tears that the Pslamist had in mind in Psalm 56 wasn’t some lovely perfume flask: I just learned recently that he was probably thinking of a leather bottle that could scarcely hold all the tears that Psalmist had cried. And, to think…the Lord sees every tear and is near to the brokenhearted. He knows the anguish like no others can.

  6. Don Allen says:

    Be upset all you want. You can only hold your breath so long. Being upset is not sinful, but us using an emotion He shares with us. Be upset. I am there to listen, virtually. I am there to lend a shoulder, virtually. I am there because you are there. God blesses you Janie with strength beyond your years. We are with you through prayer and will always be, honest.
    Don

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