When It Rains

September is closing in on us, and senior year is at full tilt. Still, it hasn’t completely hit me. I’m not a hundred percent on my game. I feel as though I’ve yet to fully immerse myself.

I was excited. A little nervous, perhaps, but excited.
Looking forward to my final year as an undergrad. Anticipating the things I would do. Hoping that some of those things would translate into true accomplishments. I was ready for a few wins.

And then the hurricane hit.
It’s old news, and here, at least, Irene was hardly the tyrant that we supposed her to be. Still, starting the semester late went to my head. I already felt behind. I already needed to catch up to my peers.

I was treading water to begin with.

 

And then it stormed again. Except this time, I was walking in the rain without fully realizing how big the drops were. I was fine getting a little bit wet. That’s life. It rains.

But then I realized that my clothes were feeling heavy. My steps were more measured. My mascara wasn’t so waterproof, after all.

I assure you it doesn’t always rain. Not on the East Coast. Not in my life.
But it is raining now.

 

Maybe I am tired of getting wet. Maybe I’m tired of wearing my Sperrys. Maybe I’m tired of my battered red umbrella. Maybe I’m tired of not knowing what to plan on. Maybe I’m tired of Joe being sick. Maybe I’m tired of living a dual-life. Maybe I’m tired of living wet.

But you know – that’s life. It’s tough. It’s upsetting. It’s tedious. In many ways, I feel as though I’m living the lack-luster life I never wanted.

At times, I’m confused. When Joe was hospitalized a couple of weeks ago, I just didn’t get it. I didn’t understand why this was happening.

More specifically, I didn’t understand why it was happening again. We had done this before. We had lived in the rain. Joe didn’t deserve this. And as selfish as it sounds, I didn’t want this.

 

People may say that every cloud has a silver lining. That’s great. I love silver. But when the cloud is hanging over your head, there are times when you could care less what kind of lining it has.

Who cares if this makes me a better person. Who cares if this will help me grow. Who cares if some good comes from this. Who cares.

Not only have I wanted the rain to stop, but I’ve wanted the cloud to go away.

For a couple of weeks, I was mostly fine. I knew I needed to focus on school as much as possible. I knew I couldn’t be in Philly. I knew there was very little I could do to help a pained, exhausted Joe. So I was fine.

 

Until I realized that I wasn’t. I noticed dips in my motivation. I didn’t have the focus I wanted. I told people I was feeling off. Some of that is normal life. And some of that is cancer life.

Regardless, that’s life. And it’s mine.

At times, I may be confused, but I’m not mad at God. I can’t be mad at Joe. And as angry as I get with Cancer, it really is quite an un-equal adversary.

I am a Christian and I do trust God. I know that He knows. Do I believe that this was all His will? No, I don’t. Do I believe that He can use it? Yes. I believe those things.

At the end of the day, I know that this is how it’s going to be. Does it suck? Yeah, sometimes it really sucks. Sometimes I hate it. And most of the time, I would do anything to wish it all away.

 

Of course, this isn’t how I thought life was going to be. So many times that’s what I come back to – that this isn’t what I had in mind, that maybe I don’t want this life anymore.

Yet somehow it becomes okay again. Maybe it’s through a conversation with a friend. Maybe it’s a great cup of coffee. Maybe it’s the workout I needed. Maybe it’s a good book, a passage of Scripture, some truth that I needed to hear. Maybe I just needed to be heard. Somehow, I get it back. I falter, but I accept it and move on. That’s life.

 

Today, I’m walking through the rain. I don’t know what my life will look like next year. I don’t know how to plan or anticipate or even be optimistic all the time. In fact, sometimes I don’t feel like being optimistic at all. Sometimes, I’m just sad. And I think that’s okay.

In life, you’ll get wet. Maybe you’ll get soaked. Maybe you’ll be chilled to the bone.
Some days, you’ll need to let the rain cover your tears. And others – you’ll just need to walk through.

 
 

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Comments
3 Responses to “When It Rains”
  1. Carrie says:

    I miss you, Janie!! And I understand how discouraging it is when something hard just doesn’t seem to end. I will be praying for much of God’s grace in this difficult season and as you walk through another season of Joe being in the hospital. May you know His nearness & love every day.
    ❤ xoxo luv,
    Carrie

  2. raysikeswrites says:

    Janie, you are my daughter, but even if you weren’t, I think I would look and you and think,” What a wonderful person you are.” Call it an “out of daddy experience, if you will,” but I think you are golden. Keep pressing on, my daughter, my sister in Christ. You are loved.

  3. Pat Petro says:

    Janie, through all of this, I think you may be discovering a gift you hadn’t previously explored. You are a writer my dear, and a very good one. No one wants to go through what Joe, and by extension, his family and you are going through and you are right-“it sucks”. I thank God he has given you and Joe outlets to express yourselves Joe has his photography and you have your writing. God will use these gifts, to comfort and encourage you and others and to His glory. Love you.

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