Thoughts: Monday, July 2

 
This morning, I realized that I was grasping. I was holding on so tightly to nothing.
I have nothing, and I still wouldn’t let it go.

 

I shouldn’t say nothing. I have so much more than so many.
But compared to what I had – I have nothing.
 
On the surface, I’ve lost so much of what defined me.
Through the natural – and not so natural – progression of things, I’ve lost what I had.
 
And now. Now I’m holding onto nothing.

 

I never asked for approval.
I just always got it.
And even in the spring, I got so much approval from everyone.
 
I wasn’t trying to be strong. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone.
I was just trying to do what was best for me.
I was just making myself my primary concern.

 

I made conscious decisions to alter the state of my life. They say even your new normal will never be the same normal you had before.
 
Conveniently, I made sure it wasn’t.

 

Every day, I got a little sleep and a lot of coffee. Always, always lots of coffee.
I kept myself up.
 
I found I was usually in bed just as early, and sometimes earlier, when I went out.
The more I drank, which really wasn’t a whole lot, the earlier I woke up. In some ways, going out was my safeguard of sorts. I wouldn’t allow myself to not do whatever I needed to in the morning.
 
And in the morning, when we would text or talk on the phone, I made myself get out the door more quickly than I would have otherwise. I paired my decisions with a certain measure of responsibility. I still needed to follow through on my commitments.

 

It was empowering.
 
I knew it wasn’t healthy, but maybe it was necessary.
Maybe it did get me through things then.
 
Maybe you helped me get through things then…

 

Penned: July 2, 2012. Shared: August 28, 2012.

 

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